Roadkill
by wild-springflower
Summary: The sky was dark, the sun having long since set, leaving the winding country roads to be lit by the meager light of a dim crescent moon. It was really no surprise what happened, what with the cloud cover and lack of light; that didn't make him feel any better.


**A/N: Hello all! So, this is kind of a mash-up of stuff. The Deadpool I'm picturing is more or less Ryan Reynolds. The Spider-Man is probably the one from the animated tv series 'Ultimate Spider-Man'. Also, I do use some terminology from the episode 'Ultimate Deadpool', mainly Wade's inability to say the "K" word, so he says unalive instead of kill. Also, Peter and Wade are kind of maybe sort of dating? Peter doesn't even know. Lastly, there are two different endings because I couldn't decide which was better and they both fit. That's all, enjoy!**

The sky was dark, the sun having long since set, leaving the winding country roads to be lit by the meager light of a dim crescent moon.

It was really no surprise what happened, what with the cloud cover and lack of light; that didn't make him feel any better.

 _Meanwhile in Forest Hills, Queens_

"Stupid school." Peter grumbled to himself. "Stupid homework, stupid criminals." It was far past two am by the time Spider-Man had finally been able to call it a night. Peter Parker still had math problems to start, an essay to finish, and a test to study for. He would never regret becoming Spider-Man, but sometimes he just wished the criminals in the city would take a break. It was like they didn't understand he had an actual life to live aside from web-swinging between buildings.

Peter quickly decided to crunch out the last page and a half of his essay, making swift and easy work of the writing assignment. Next was math, not all the problems were due the following day, they just had to show they'd gotten a decent start on them. Peter hadn't even begun, and _yes_ that was his own fault but between the three bank robberies, the one attempted kidnapping, and spending what was left of his already lacking social life with the neurotic man known as Wade Wilson, who he may or may not have been dating, Peter found he didn't have a whole lot of time for homework.

He'd been working furiously for close to an hour, nose to his paper as he quickly solved problem after problem, when suddenly the shrill ring of his phone startled him away from his work.

Peter lept towards his backpack quickly, desperately searching for the screaming device. He could've sworn he'd put it on silent, the last thing he wanted was for a tired Aunt May to walk in and find him partially clad in his Spider-Man suit.

When Peter finally located his cell he sighed heavily, of _course_ he'd be calling. It was like Wade had a detector for when Peter was the busiest and would always choose to interrupt him right then. Still, it could be an emergency, and Peter would never forgive himself if Wade needed him and he refused to answer his phone because of some stupid homework.

"Yeah?" He asked as he flipped the device open. Silence greeted him from the other line, and at first Peter believed it to be some sort of prank call, or maybe a crotch dial, the thought making him irate, until a heavy sniffle and uneven breathing filtered through the speaker.

"Petey." A shaky voice finally said.

Peter's heart stuttered to a standstill, his eyes widening in genuine fear. He didn't even know what was wrong but he immediately knew it was bad; _very_ bad. "Wade?" He questioned hesitantly, waiting in anxious impatience for a reply.

There was a large sniff from the other side before Wade's voice, thick with emotion, broke the silence. "Petey, I'm a murderer!" He cried.

Peter paused, blinking a moment in confusion. "Wade, you're a mercenary, you murder people for a living."

"This is different!" The voice raged, verging on hysteric. "It's bad Petey, it's really _really_ bad!"

Peter's heartrate skyrocketed once again, if Wade Wilson said it was bad, then it was more than likely catastrophic. "Okay, what do you need? Me- can I help? Or maybe the Avengers, or-or the X-Men!"

"No!" Wade exclaimed dramatically, and Peter could picture the way he was no-doubt flailing his arms. "It's too late for any of that!" There was another pause and a loud sniff before Wade squeaked, "I'm a horrible person Peter."

Peter bit his bottom lip, worry and desperation seeping into his tone. "Wade, _talk_ to me, what happened?"

"I was driving down this road." Wade began, sniffing loudly. "And it was really dark. And before you ask, yes I was speeding. Which is why it's my fault!" Wade cried, dissolving into hysterics once again.

"Wade, Wade come on, I'm sure it's not that bad. Please just, tell me what happened."

"Okay, okay. Just promise you won't hate me after I do?" Wade questioned meekly.

"Never." Peter responded firmly.

"Like I said, I was driving, and I didn't see him until it was too late, there was nothing I could do, honest." Wade paused, sucking in a deep breath and as Peter waited for him to continue, he could hear every beat of his anxious heart. Then, finally, "I un-alived a squirrel!" Wade wailed.

Peter paused, blinking in confusion, because he _must_ have heard that wrong. "You're kidding, right?"

"Why would I joke about something like this?" Wade demanded between hiccups.

"Wade, you are a _mercenary_ , you un-alive people for a living! But you're calling me sobbing because you hit a stupid little animal?"

"He didn't deserve to die!" Wade sobbed.

Peter took a moment to compose himself, get his emotions under control, breathing deeply through his nose. "You called me at 4:40 in the morning because the rodent you hit didn't deserve to die?"

Wade sniffed again, "You sound mad-"

"I _am_ mad!" Peter shouted, cringing at the volume of his own voice.

The other end of the line fell deafly silent, making Peter sigh heavily. He could picture the wide-eyed shock adorning Wade's mask, and it hurt. He hadn't meant to shout, it was just late and he had already been in a bad mood. "Wade." He began slowly, but was cut off by the high-pitched squeak of the mercenary's voice.

"You promised you wouldn't hate me."

Peter sighed again, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Wade, I don't hate you." He stated calmly, slowly, like he was talking to a child which, with Wade Wilson, wasn't all that inaccurate of a comparison.

"But you're mad at me." Wade whispered in reply, sounding dejected.

"Yes!" Peter yelled again, unable to help it. "You call me after four in the morning, nearly scare me to death, all over some stupid little squirrel!"

Wade paused to sniff again, "I was upset."

"I could tell."

"I wanted someone to talk to, help me process my guilt."

"Well next time call someone else."

"Who?" Wade sounded genuinely curious, as if he couldn't think of anyone else he could possibly contact.

"I don't know, _some_ one. Try Wolverine."

"He'd just hang up on me."

" _I'm_ gonna hang up on you!"

The long sigh Peter heard from the other end of the line made him want to shove his foot in his mouth and take back his words. "I understand. I'll let you go now, sorry to bother you. Goodnight Peter."

"Wade wait." Peter cringed, already hating himself for what he was about to do. "Listen, it's kinda late now, but do you wanna hang out tomorrow sometime?"

"Of course I would Baby Boy!" Wade practically sang. His joy was infectious and Peter found himself smiling as well, even if it was mostly in exasperation.

"Okay, we'll meet after school at your place."

"It's a date!" Wade chimed before making an exaggerated kissing noise and hanging up the phone.

Peter sighed fondly, shaking his head and placing his now silenced phone beside him. Then with a wary glare he returned to his homework.

 _Back on the deserted country road_

Wade smiled happily to himself, tossing his phone unceremoniously in the seat next to him. Glancing out the review mirror with a frown Wade could just barely make out the small body of the poor squirrel his car had maliciously murdered. He felt bad for the poor thing, but at least he'd gotten a date with Peter out of it.

"No one can say your death was in vain!" Wade called to reassure the now deceased body that its role in life was appreciated before placing the car in drive and speeding off down the road, making sure to keep a keen eye open for any more stragglers.

 _~Or~_

Wade smiled mischievously to himself as he dropped his phone lazily into the seat next to him.

He glanced out the review mirror in disinterest, just barely able to make out the body of the deceased squirrel.

"Using the death of an innocent animal to set up a date is cruel you say?" Wade laughed deeply as he placed his car in drive and pushed his foot down against the pedal. "I call it opportunistic. I mean, it wasn't like I hit the thing on _purpose_. Now that, that would be cruel."


End file.
